On so many occasions I found myself saying “Where has the time gone?” or “Time is just going too fast!” I feel at times that TIME in general needs to slow down a bit especially because of my kids growing up…
I look at my 2 boys and just think that “Wow it was just yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time and now look how big you are”…..So many memories in such a little time!! Bittersweet memories!!
The hard part lately is that when I look at my boys I can’t help but wonder, I am constantly haunted by the wonders…..I wonder if she would be rolling around by now, I wonder what she would of sounded like, I wonder whether her giggle would sound like her brothers, I wonder how long or soft her hair would be, I wonder would she be a cuddler, I wonder if she would stare at me with big blue eyes and the list goes on!
Kyra Jean would be 6 months this week and yet it feels like just yesterday that I held her in my arms for that brief moment. The pain still feels so close and yet it has been 6 months that have just “flown” by.
I look at the boys and ask God to slow down the time, but then I think of my baby girl and find myself asking God to speed the time up so that I can race to the healing part. The problem is I don’t think there will be healing, well healing in the way I want it to be that is. There are still moments to come that will make me feel so sad inside… the would of first birthday is still yet to come, all the missing family moments that she was supposed to be a part of will be for the rest of my life! I will forever be thinking of what age she should be and all the wonders associated with who my little princess should of been, etc!
Yes of course we have started our new normal and our lives are changing, big things are happening but in the midst of it all I still get caught in the sadness and it takes my breath away. I try and busy my days, filling my mind with endless to do’s and things to keep my mind racing with other thoughts so that I don’t have to think and feel the pain of losing my little girl.
But then I have moments where I feel God telling me that this is ALL necessary! Necessary to feel the pain and that sometimes necessary sadness comes with unspeakable joy! Levi Lusko used the term “I got 1 in the target” from his book “Through the eyes of a lion”. The target being where we are aiming to be, with Him in Eternity! Knowing that I got 2 in the target actually brings me comfort…. Lael and Kyra Jean are there, they don’t ever have to face this hard journey of getting to where they are!
I believe everything happens for a reason and works towards what God is doing with our lives, the things we experience be it hardship or joy, it is only temporary and we need to focus on the bigger picture. I guess this has also helped us with the decision of going to Australia, knowing that we can make a difference while on earth, make a difference in other peoples lives.
I hurt from missing Kyra but I will use it for good, I will use it to make a difference and I will use it to bring glory to God. Time maybe short or it may feel long but we only have one life and I hope you all have a great way of doing yours no matter the circumstances!
Thank you for journeying with me and helping me through this hardship with your prayer!
Blessings to you all!