To my dear KYRA JEAN
YOU WERE BORN SILENT BUT YOUR LITTLE LIFE SPEAKS VOLUMES!
Oh baby girl, how I long to hold you and sing lullabies to you while you fall asleep in my arms. I long to smell your sweet baby smell and feel your soft hands in mine. I long to tickle you and hear your little giggles, I even long to hear your urgent cries! I long to give you kisses on your cheeks and cuddle you tight. I long to gaze upon you while you are sleeping and hear your gentle breathing! I long to know what you would look like, would you you have blue eyes like your brothers, would you have soft hair like your daddy, would you have my smile? Oh the endless longings!
We are about to celebrate your first birthday and I wish I could dress you in a beautiful little princess dress and make you a velvety smash cake for you to stick your little fingers in! Blow up pink and purple balloons for you to gaze on and to wrap perfectly picked gifts for you to unwrap.
I know you are in a better place, and I know that you will be celebrating in a far more fantastic way than I can ever imagine, but I do so wish that you were here with us! We should be celebrating your first birthday together, the 5 of us! We should all be helping you blow out your one candle! Getting spit all over the cake but eating it anyways.
We all miss you so much! Your brothers for sure talk about you and are excited that they get presents for your birthday. (We decided to give them a gift on your birthday in a way to celebrate you!)
Some people have said to me that I am strong but I am far from it. Kyra I hurt so much that at times it is hard to even get up! Dear girl you left an emptiness in me that can’t be explained, no one will ever feel this way over you! No one will know this pain I feel for you, no one feels this very powerful ache I have…its crippling! I know God heals and fills the missing pieces but even so, I still feel as though my heart will forever be broken.
I heard a quote “ Watching your heart outside of you body is what it is like for a mum to watch her children!” And so as I watch Elijah and Isaac play, I ache because you are that part of my heart that is missing. You are supposed to be learning to walk and trying to keep up with your brothers.
A year has gone by since I held you, a year since I felt you kick and squirm in my belly! How did all this time go by without you here? It doesn’t seem possible! I have cried so hard at times that I felt as though the world was ending. Sometimes my heart has ached so much so that it has felt as though it was going to explode! Then at times it hasn’t felt real at all, sometimes days go by in a daze….
The time I had with you Kyra, was so short, too short!! A mother is not supposed to out live her children!
And then Kyra at times I am filled with anger! Why was I robbed of being your mother? Why did you have to have that condition that took you away from me? I hate Anencephaly! I hate that it ripped you away from me…. I hate that I couldn’t do anything to save you! I hate the pain it has caused, I hate that it has left its bitter sting on all our lives!
I am RAW! Broken, angry, aching, empty…… with out you! Even a year on the pain is still so RAW!!!
But in the midst of this rawness I look back and I cherish the very short moment we had together! I remember the kicks, the squirming, the jabs to my bladder….. I remember how sick I felt, the pain my body was in…. but all of that meant that you were so very alive in me, alive while I carried you! I am honoured that I held you for your whole earthly life!! Kyra I am honoured that God chose me to carry you!
I feel comfort in knowing you are with Jesus, this would be my only comfort! Jesus has you! I ask the boys what you are doing and they say so matter of factly that you are dancing with Jesus! I can’t help but smile when they talk about you!
I smile knowing you are WHOLE now! I smile thinking of what you may look like! I smile knowing that you get to be in His presence!! I love that He gets to show you all His beauty!
Kyra Jean, you were only here for a moment, but that moment changed me and so many lives. That moment set me a part! In that moment God showed me that this life is short and that eternity is where we are striving to be! I will cherish the moment we had together! I will cherish the impact your life made on me!
My darling Kyra I miss you so hard!! And I love you more than words could ever express!!
Happy 1st Birthday my sweet baby girl!!!
Dance for Jesus, dance for Jesus and live!!!!
Till I see you again my sweet!
Love mummy xoxox
~Kyra Jean Janzen born still 26 August 2015~
Thank you Lord for Kyra and the moment we had with her!
Thank you Lord for choosing me and my family!!
Thank you Lord that Kyra is with you now!
Lord I pray for all those grieving hearts,
that You will be with them right in their rawness!! Hold them tight!
Bring them comfort Lord and give them enough strength for everyday!
In Your precious name, Jesus!
Here is a song I have loved listening to in the midst of this:
Thank you to you all for journeying with us!
You are so welcome to help us celebrate Kyra Jean’s life! We will be celebrating her day with taking our boys to the zoo! Showing the boys the beauty in God’s creation!
We also originally wanted to do a chinese lantern and light it and send it up in her memory, but they are actually prohibited here, so we have decided to light some sparklers for the boys to enjoy in the evening instead! We will also have a cake with a candle to blow out! It would be awesome if you wanted to have a candle to blow out for her, a chinese lantern to send up or even some cake to enjoy…Share a picture with us with how you celebrated.
Not only did we want to honour Kyra’s birthday but we also want to honour and remember all the babies gone too soon, the families affected by infant/baby loss, for parents that have outlived their children, and many others!
We will be sending up a prayer for you all!!